The concept of nothing real can be threatened or unreal exists is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. Especially in light of my feelings of being unlovable. In this essay I will explain how my past is affecting my present, how I am using my spiritual practices to open myself to Love's presence, and how since nothing is unreal, I can ask for anything in prayer and truly expect to receive it.
In my past I have experienced what can only be described as abuse from the people who I thought loved me as a friend and a family. When my deployments to Iraq ended, I discovered that my wife at that time had been allowing others to enter her life and she said she didn't love me anymore.
After we decided to end the marriage, the pastor of the church I was working for pulled me aside after a chapel service and told me someone told him (he did not tell me who, they would never tell me who was my accusers were) that I needed to be careful because my Facebook page was hurting my testimony. I asked how but he would not tell me all he would say is to watch my testimony. This would be the pattern of their behavior. They would tell me that I was hurting by testimony and then had nothing to back it up. Instead of attempting to help me spiritually, the pastor attacked me every chance he got. I do not think he had a vendetta; he wanted to force me to quit so he would not have a divorced person on his staff.
He also stated that my first wife had said that I had cheated on her in Iraq and that was the reason for the divorce. I called her right there while he was standing there to confront her, and she denied saying it. Looking back, I would say he was lying to get me to "confess."
I decided that if they were not going to be helpful in my time of need, I would leave the church and hopefully find another, more loving church. During this time, the pastor and school principal left. The one is who took over responsibility for the church and school also did nothing to reach out to see if I needed any help. It was also during this time that I realized that they did not reach out to my first wife to help while I was gone. I felt let down in all areas.
To add insult to injury, the ones who hurt me just moved on to other churches. They were getting to continue in the ministry, and I was left by the wayside. This added to my suffering and feelings of being unlovable.
I have fought these feelings for many years and after finding someone who supports me no matter what happens. I find I have a difficult time with love.
After completing the first lesson, I know there is a path to feel Love's presence. That love is a presence and not a feeling. My current spiritual practices of meditative prayer, reading spiritual books, and Solitude I am opening myself to Love's presence.
If nothing is unreal then, I feel, these practices can allow me to be open to feeling Love's presence in my life daily. And love is the expression of the spiritual freedom. This freedom will allow me to ask for anything and know that God, and The Universe will grant my desires. It opens me to truly help those that are in need.
Love's presence within and without is what binds us all together. We are all one thing expressing itself in an infinite variety of ways. By feeling Love's presence, I am able to truly help those in need.
